Who Are You?

Back when I had toddlers, I sometimes longed to talk with them like an adult, but that’s silly. They were no more capable of having an adult conversation than my patients would have been interested in me talking to them like preschoolers. Instead, I needed to jump between the different identities of being a parent and being a professional. While I sought to keep these identities distinct, perhaps blurring those boundaries would have been better.

Our Identities

Think about your different identities. Compare your identity with your family or friends to your identity in the workplace. You probably dress differently, act differently, and use different words with your family than you do in the workplace. I might fall asleep on the couch in my pajamas around my family, but I wouldn’t do that at work (hopefully).

These identities are all important parts of who we are. They represent who we hope to be and who we sometimes succeed at being. They shape how we interact with the world around us. They exemplify our roles in the world and connect us to others. They can be a major source of joy and well-being.

Any identity is not all of who we are though. An identity is a projection of ourselves in a given context. It’s not our complete selves, just a projection of one bit. For example, some identities are defined by personal relationships such as being a daughter, mother, sister, wife, or best friend. These identities differ—I hope mothers and wives behave differently. Of course, an individual may fulfill multiple of these roles simultaneously. Picture the anxiousness of a full table at Thanksgiving.

In the workplace, we also may have multiple identities: boss, supervisee, colleague, client, external partner. Here, hierarchy and power dynamics shape identities as well as personal relationships. Some people may be more comfortable in certain roles such as being supervised or being the expert. This willingness to be part of the hierarchy is part of identity.

In addition, social concepts like race, gender, sexual orientation, and disability also shape identity. Sometimes, these socially constructed identities are more salient. As a white, straight man, I rarely feel like an outsider and aware of my demographic identity. But, when I traveled in Japan and the Middle East, I felt more aware of my demographic identity. The setting engendered more awareness of my identity.

Shifting Identities

Because we have multiple identities, we need to shift between them. At work, I want to appear competent. I want to be rewarded and promoted. I want to be included in important work. I want those who consume my services to think highly of me. Maintaining my identity as a high-functioning professional is essential.

At home, I want to be an essential member of my tribe. I want to be ready for whatever happens in life, including being able to step in and solve problems for my family. I also want to be authentic and to have fun. Most of all, I want to be loved and loving.